Every Child Deserves Their Own Canvas
by Dr. Marley Balasco // July 8, 2025
I watched a group of teens in our inpatient program gather around a table scattered with art supplies. The instructions were open-ended: “make something that feels like you.” Some started boldly, others hesitated. One teen painted over their canvas three times before covering it with glitter. Another experimented with configurations of magazine cutouts. To the casual observer, it appeared chaotic. For those who lingered, something meaningful emerged. Something that made more sense in the making than it did from the outside.
I am reminded of that art group when I think about gender identity.
Gender identity is revealed in a series rather than a single brushstroke – a process that unfolds over time. Each child creates their own identity – stroke by stroke – using understanding, experience, and culture. Some children form clear images early, while others have less defined outlines, or even start over multiple times. Some add layers only visible to others up close. Every process is unique.
Alternatively, many caregivers approach gender as if it is fixed. They may say, “She’s been such a girly girl her whole life,” or “He never mentioned anything until now.” These comments often mask a deeper issue: fear. Not fear of their child, but fear of something they don’t understand – of not knowing how to support a child whose experience may be influenced by factors absent in their own upbringing, and for which they lack vocabulary.
When working with families, I am often asked, “Is this real or just a phase?” This question misses the essence of identity development. Identity unfolds in phases – and these phases may shift quickly in adolescence. The key question is not whether their identity will change over time, but whether we are responding to what is present in the moment.
Sometimes a child paints clearly, only to crumple it up. Occasionally, they believe their art is complete, but inspiration leads to the creation of a whole new layer. Similarly, a child who at age four confidently identifies as female may later decide otherwise. A teen who never questioned their identity might suddenly express curiosity. This is development, not confusion. Gender identity, like other aspects of adolescence, isn’t realized in one moment. It is shaped through experiences, reflection, experimentation, and adaptation. If we step in and try to finish the piece for them – out of love or fear or habit – we deprive them of the essential journey of self-discovery.
Children are acutely aware of adult expectations. If they sense that certain identities are “easier” for us to accept, they may begin to paint for us rather than themselves. This results in children who appear well-adjusted on the surface but are struggling internally. However, when we, as caring adults, signal that we are open to whatever emerges — that we are here to observe rather than edit — something shifts. Children become braver. They begin to make something that is deeply theirs.
Validation and affirmation do not mean fully agreeing with every idea without question. Instead, they involve choosing curiosity over correction. It’s about saying, “I may not fully understand, but I see you working, and I trust your process,” even when things are unclear.
Not every child will grow up to identify outside the gender they were assigned at birth. However, every child benefits from a world that allows for that possibility. Every child deserves their own canvas, and the confidence of adults who trust them to create something beautiful — even if it looks different from what we expected.
We don’t have to understand every detail to respect the art. We just have to stay close enough to see it take shape.
Marley Balasco (she/her), Psy.D. is an inpatient psychotherapist at the Brattleboro Retreat. Her clinical and research interests are broadly focused on the experiences of adolescents who struggle with the residual impact of trauma, identity-based oppression, anxiety, and depression.
